When art doesn’t behave

On transparency, trust, and finding your way back to your work

I'd been wrestling with a new concept last few weeks

Suddenly taken by this effect of translucency 

I had been exploring ways to use it more in my artwork.

I’ve probably always been just a little obsessed with the effects of light and the different states it can evoke. 

Why sunset is my favorite time of day, 

and why I’ve described myself before as natural light passing through a weathered window. 

The barely there presence of a rainbow 

A speck of glitter, 

Or a silhouette of a leaf on the street

Small moments of beauty that only a dreamer may notice. 

This reflection grew out of a familiar creative block - that moment when you’re trying to control an outcome, and your art stops feeling like your own.

Every few weeks or so, I’ll get a little bored with my current style iteration 

And I’ll feel the pull to mix it up in small or big ways. 

Change the subject matter

Change the colors

Explore a new theme

I tend to hop on Midjourney and rattle off a few prompts to get my visual mind working. 

I know it may seem counterintuitive or controversial even for an artist to use a tool like Midjourney- 

I’m sure I’ll write my thoughts on that one in another post, so I won’t pontificate about the pros and cons of using AI in the creative process today. 

However, in the spirit of transparency, this is just part of my process for now.

I stumbled upon a prompt that presented me with some intriguing botanical leaf images- abstract, colorful, and translucent layering.

This was exactly what my creative mind was after- a fresh perspective on a subject matter I already love.

I got to work. 

Experimenting with brushes on Procreate, 

Trying blending modes, transparency settings, you name it- I was pulling all the levers I knew how to pull to emulate the image just perfectly.

But something was wrong- I just could not make my art “behave.” 

My version looked bland, lifeless, and totally not like my art

But more importantly, it didnt feel like my art either.

I was frustrated. 

Have you ever tried so hard to achieve an outcome or effect, either in your creative world or in life-

Held so tightly to that vision that the vision becomes rigid and binding? 

Creativity is a portal to freedom for me. 

Where I make the rules

Where I get to decide. 

It's a beautiful process, truly

And here I was strangling the life out of the process. 

No wonder this piece wasn’t calling to me. 

I realized that this whole “trying-to-copy-the-effect-exactly” approach may have sounded smart and practical in theory, but wasnt actually serving me.

The fear underneath artistic bravery

I noticed there was a part of me that thought- “how will I know what to do without a reference photo?

Now, a true fear was illuminated. 

I was charting new territory in my creativity, and that was feeling scary for some reason. 

I suppose a change of any kind makes some part of my lizard brain click on in panic. 

What if I suck?

What if I dont know what to do?

What if it's a disaster?

Basically, 

Every choice I've made to leap a little further artistically has prompted that series of questions…

The scary what-ifs. 

The worrywart 

busybody 

overactive, 

anxious part of my mind, which is actually very misunderstood. 

I’ve blamed this part of my mind for keeping me from 

The life of my dreams

The essence of my true potential

From every opportunity that I was too afraid to take a risk for. 

But these days, I’m trying to blame myself less and trust myself more

Still, this lack of trust was showing up in my quest to create the perfectly transparent layered leaf image. 

I realized I was bypassing my own artistic voice, my own instincts, my own creative aesthetic 

And submitting to this image that was generated effortlessly by a machine.

Instead of it being a compass or a map, this image was the rigid path

And I felt trapped by it

Letting go of the reference photo

My internally smart, rebellious self 

Finally stepped forward and asked another series of “What if’s”

What if I close the reference photo?

What if I start fresh?

What if I do it my way?

What if I use this image as inspiration- a starting place, 

And then I let my own creative intuition take the wheel?

I guarantee it won't look anything like this perfect photo, but it will be mine.

Perhaps none of these thoughts are groundbreaking- 

I’m sure I’ve had similar realizations before when I allowed myself to relinquish control of an outcome and trust my process a little more. 

Trust myself a little more


But if you’re like me, sometimes we forget. 

And reminders help. 

A fresh perspective

After a few days, I started again. 

I kept the inspiration and spirit of what I was after in my mind and heart and began again. 

Experimenting… 

Trying different effects, mostly as an explorational study to see what felt alive. 

It was fun, and the pressure was gone

The frustration had left because I had become a student and a beginner- in this moment. 

An explorer unearthing a new version of myself

This approach produced not only a totally fresh look for my art, but it also emulated the translucency I had been chasing so much more now

You know what else, though?

It was my own.

It wasn't a replica 

It wasn't a copy. 

It was a beautiful evolution of my own style that I’m truly excited about.

I think I’ll always be working on ways to come back to myself in this life. 

It's sometimes hard to tune out the influence of voices and perspectives. 

It's not easy to forge the path you're on, and I totally get why sometimes we just want what feels easy. 

But in my experience, easy is never as satisfying as earned. 

I earned these leaves, and I love them all the more as a result. 

I hope I can keep finding ways to close the reference photos and the pre-determined outcomes I didnt create. 

They are beautiful, but I like making my own. 

Tell me, what are your what-ifs?…

This image sparked the exploration.

What followed in my own work is still becoming.